Romance, Marriage, and Player Characters

Tyson has betrayed you, loyal reader.  He promised, in Take on all Comers, that he would write a post for every suggestion, in order, and without stopping except for previously scheduled posts.  But he is taking today off to write his vows.  Apparently, he’s getting married this weekend.  But I must ask:  how can he make a commitment to one woman for a lifetime, when he couldn’t even keep a commitment to you for a few weeks?

I suggest leaving him a comment congratulating him on his upcoming marriage.  That will show him just how disappointed you are.

While We’re on the Topic

As my fellow players and I have grown older, more and more romantic elements have seeped their way into our games.  Long gone are the days of, “If there are any girls there, I want to DO them!” Instead, we’ve attempted to take a more mature approach to sex and romance.  But it’s very difficult and often awkward.  But, when done well by two players who are able to figure it out, it can be very rewarding.  In fact, our last long-term campaign (30 levels in Third Edition D&D) ended with some of the characters getting married.

What follows are some tips to employ, and some pitfalls to avoid if you want to add this element to your games.

• Step back to the thirty mile view. It isn’t uncommon for players to get very deep into their characters and to act out many of their interactions with the world.  Combat is generally brought to life with detailed description, and most dialogs are acted out.  When approaching romance, try to back out of this a bit.  At least for a while.  Instead of flirting with another player or NPC, simply say that you’re flirting with them.  This gives the other player, or the game master, a little removal from the situation.  Over time you can get a little closer to the action, easing in to it as both players get comfortable with the concept and have had a chance to discuss it outside the game.
• Discuss it outside the game. This allows the entire group to have and idea of what is going on.  You’ll probably talk about this romance is likely to lead, or not lead as the case may be.  Discussion is not only valuable because of player comfort levels, but also because a romantic story is more fun to play if everyone at the table is anticipating developments.
• Keep it subtle.  You don’t always have to approach romance wh0le-cloth.  Sometimes it’s more fun to just have a little hint of it here and there between characters.  This can also prevent the storyline from derailing the campaign while still influencing character actions.
• Fade to black. If two characters are at a point where they may become physical, and especially if that involve sex, just fade to black and imply that it happened.  Unless you think you’re mature enough for the Book of Erotic Fantasy, which I’m pretty sure nobody is.
• Don’t use gaming as an excuse to hit on someone. It can be easy to do.  The level of separation between player and character might let you be more comfortable flirting with a player who otherwise wouldn’t engage in that activity with you.  This will only make the group, and the other player, very uncomfortable.  Also, don’t hit on the Game Master’s girlfriend.  He can do things to your character that are far worse than death.
• Be willing to back off.  If a player isn’t comfortable, and isn’t likely to become comfortable, just let the entire matter drop.  It’s really not worth it.
• Don’t hyper-focus on it. It’s definitely possible to take the romantic part of roleplaying too far by focusing too much time or attention on it.  It’s simply an element of the game, not the focus.

Going on Dates

This can be a fun interlude during a campaign, and it provides two valuable opportunities for you and your character.  First, it’s an excuse to explore areas of the game’s setting that combat or intrigue are unlikely to deal with, such as social customs, fancy dress, nightlife locations that aren’t seedy, etc.  Secondly, it provides you the opportunity to plan date ideas that you could never afford or otherwise accomplish in real life.  This can actually be surprisingly fun, and utilizes the creative portion of your brain that drew you to gaming in the first place.  Have you ever watched the fireflies during a midnight walk in a forest city?  How about dancing under the stars in the observation dome of a space station?  Or perhaps you just want to give your date a necklace forged from the bones of your mortal enemy.

Getting Married

Weddings have been used in stories since before the written word.  They’re a powerful symbol.  The represent unions, new life, dramatic change, or the end of the turmoil of courtship.  It isn’t uncommon for novels and movies to end with a wedding, leaving everyone feeling good at the end.  It can work that way for your game as well.

Moreover, every advantage I mentioned about going on dates is extended to weddings.  In a fantasy game, you could conceivably be married directly by your god in his own planar cathedral.  In a cyberpunk game, you could be wed in an abandoned shed by drug crazed priest with only your battle-hardened compatriots as witnesses.

Marriage can also have a dramatic effect on a character’s adventuring life.  Vows represent a responsibility that may interfere with your mission objectives.  If you marry an NPC, perhaps you can’t stay away from home for long.  Or maybe your spouse is the reason you leave on a life-threatening journey, because anything is better than staying home.  The added level of complexity having a spouse, and even children, can add to a character is exhilarating.  At least, if you like that sort of thing.  For example, our artist, Hillary, had a character with a rocky marriage.  She rolled every session to see how things were going with her spouse.

A Formal Conclusion

To be honest, we’re all still learning about this.  The complexities of a RPG group make the whole subject a bit of a minefield sometimes.  Everything stated above is merely what we have gleaned in our experiences.  So now I turn it to you.  How have you handled romance and marriage in your games, and has it felt satisfying?  Also, don’t forget to congratulate Tyson.  His adventures are about to get very interesting.